love??

i got this off ali's fb... i hope we remember reading this every now and then.

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, 'How do I know if I married the right person?'

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, 'It depends. "Is that your husband?' In all seriousness, she answered 'How do you know?'

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept off my feet.' Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?' And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON;IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you.

You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.

Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger.

It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. ..you can 'make' love.

Love in marriage is indeed a 'decision'.. . Not just a feeling.

Remember this always

'God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go'

tho you can't be with me tonight, you know my heart is by your side

title's directed to a certain something that's been ard the past few yrs of my life. hard as it is. i will let you go.
spirals? yes.yet another spiralling week. the downsssssssssssssssss..n then the ups. i'm thankful for my family. for my frz. thankful for all who's ard been me the past coming 3decades. i realise i really should be counting my blessings instead of whining so much about the little hiccups? yea rite. i find that hard. but i reali do appreciate mommy coming down juz cos i called at 4am. thank you mommy!!! loves!! i missed that peckin on the cheek we used to share. i was so happy u pecked my again. and i love it when you call me darlin'. =)

the irony

i was fuming. boiling. heated up. ttly. the cause? the little gadget that cools me down everyday. the aircon. how ironic can life get? seriously. heated up due to a cooling machine? rather, the person who got it stuck in my window. i am so jaded. how can life be like dis? how can frenz disappoint us time n time again? it's terrible. dun these ppl know what karma means? do they even noe it exists? i thought i believed in karma. but hey, wad have i done to deserve all this? tell me. wtf have i done to have such fucktards appear in my life every now and then?

okok. for those who haven't heard....

one walks faster than the other

it's funny how like in d previous post things turn out to spiral. i found my life spiralling, and now my thoughts as well. so many things have happened the previous week or so. so many words were said, so many actions done, so many feelings felt, so many thoughts flashed thru my head, and at the end of it all, NOTHING. i dunno what's to come. first i was sad. saddened so badly by the word. then i got angry. how could things change so fast? then i got worried. have things already changed and there's nothing i can do bout it? then i got confused. wad do i hafta do? what issit u want from me? then i got sure. sure that i couldn't accept it. then now? i'm unsure. it went from u, went into a HUGE spiral, or rather circle, and came back to me. i noe it wun end with me, cos like i said, circles do not end. so wad is it now? things aren't the same. i am not the same anymore. at least i don't feel the same. i feel things have already changed. maybe i have too. i think bout the weirdest things. like wad fengshui means in my life. i think bout my life, my future, my family. and somehow, it's become mine. no longer ours. i've lost the vision of happily ever after. i've lost the thought of there's such a thing as true love. i've lost the feeling of wanting to work for it. i dunno wad to say. i dunno wad to feel. seems like i was wrong. i was the one getting comfy, not you. i was the one who wanted this to con't cos it was too much of a hassle to start something new. the hassle of getting to know somebody new, the hassle of dating and understanding each other, the hassle of having to find differences and feeling unsure again. i was the one who wanted the 'love' to never die so dat i could juz live it the way i thought i was most comfortable. i realise i don't give my all anymore. maybe i nvr have, but now i see it clear. i don't enjoy putting up with the differences. i don't enjoy trying to make u happy when i'm not. i don't enjoy trying to make conversations longer than they last when i've got almost nothing more to say. i don't enjoy losing my quiet time. i don't enjoy sharing my private space. i don't enjoy wondering how your frz/family wanna think. i don't think the differences will ever be worked out. i still love my smokes and i still want my smokes eventho you'd shun from the smell. i still want my 4-7mins of smoke time when i wake, after meals, when i'm upset, when i'm thinkin bout stuff, when i wanna be alone, when i'm in the toilet, b4 i brush my teeth, when i'm on the fone, anytime. i dun enjoy the aftersmokes anymore. i dun enjoy you turning the aircon up when i get in the car. i dun enjoy leaving restaurants b4 u juz to get my smoke. i dun enjoy you walkin away the moment i light up. no. i dun believe in sharing every fuckin moment, but i guess it was nice from the time that thought came out from ur mouth til it lasted. maybe both have changed. maybe we both see d differences. and we prob see different differences even. but no. seems like the happiness has faded. less chatter, less laughter, less smiles. do we really want this? i can't bring myself to accept life the way it is. i don't wanna live the rest of my life in such misery. maybe i'm just not strong enough. i cannot be the one holding your hand, pulling you up all the time. no. i cannot. i need someone who can pull me up! i really find it almost tragic that both of us need ppl to pull us up and we're both pulling each other down everyday. how much longer can this go on? what is the purpose of it all? i dunno how to put it to u. i do not want you to think i am forsaking you, cos i am not. i juz feel our 'working things out' isn't happening. it seems ridiculous that i am gettin supposed 'help' from doctors, and here i am supposedly trying to help you. how can this be??? i am just not strong enough a person to do that! and no, i am not afraid to admit it. i gather things will be the same for the next few weeks, maybe months, dreadfully, years! i just need to live the life i want. you do not hafta change. cos anyways, the differences are all actually about me not doing/doing what you like/dislike. you wanna shop, nobody's stopping you. but pls, dun make me shop n we end up in a bicker. i really cannot accept how you'd wanna splurge on something when you know the pocket doesn't allow that all d time. you say u want pretty things, that it's just how you are, but i really do not think it should be this way all the time. i need somebody who understands the value of money much more than beauty. i cannot understand why beauty and pride comes before survival. does it make sense to me? NO. i was really bloody pissed dat day, i noe u were wondering why, cos 'it's just you'. i hadta walk away, else we'd have fought. again. i'm really very tired from all the fighting. i'm oso not exactly happy bout having to contain the resentment. i guess u can con't to be what and who you are. the way you are. i am in no position to stop u. nvr was. n never will be. i just hope it goes the same for me. that i dun hafta change the way i am. n i'll nvr have to. we just hafta be fair dun we? if either party feels the need to explode, so be it. if you choose to find another avenue, just let me know early. i just want us to be happy, whether or not we end up together.

spirals?

i'm tired. so so tired. why issit that life brings us round n round in circles? sometimes i wonder why they call it a life line. my line seems to be spiralling, spiralling til the lasst lil bit. it straightens out, and ends. fuck the spirals. really. fuck them.
so weird how the fuckin ups and downs just come, tickle me abit, and disappear. it wasn't too long ago that i was happy, was it? why the sudden change? why the sudden confession? why why why?????????? why suddenly unsure?? why suddenly spot so many differences? why why why? why are u happier with friends? why? am i unable to make u happy? what was it bout me that made you happy earlier then? enjoy fallin in love with love itself. think i'm not the one. it's YOU! yes YOU! fuck you for taking me for granted. fuck you for bringin me up to the skies and leavin me to fall by myself. fuck you for pretending all this while. FUCK YOU! it's funny how my sixth sense actually led me to askin you. if i had never asked, we'd have pretended all the while n then what? here comes the end of the line??? it's really so unfair. painful as it was, i'm glad u spat it out. now i noe, i'm actually able to let it go slowly. beats havin to make each other happy. beats tiring myself out. i am already so tired. i dunwanna try anymore. too bad if ure unhappy. too bad if ure bored. too bad. u make ur own choices from now, and i'm not gonna accomodate anymore. u dun hafta as well. yes. u no longrr have to pretend. FUCK YOU.

satisfaction

awrite. after spending hours on the pics, i'm so gonna bitch. hurhurr. i hate msn for now! i can't get my msgs sent out i dunno why. keeps bouncing back. n i can like 'hahaha' 2873827486347648q8 times, it still bounces back! how many times must i hahaha b4 someone noes i'm hahahaing??? n it's so damn bloody difficult to bitch with val when everytime we type long looooong msg, it doesn't get sent!!! grrrrrr. totally frustrating la. it sucks especially when we hit the enter key, it bounces, and i either hafta retype the whole fuckin post OR copy n paste. BUT copyin oso can error. walau! can juz kill me la. fug. can't believe i've spent the whole day in front of the pc, meddling with the pics and msn. ok. it took me hours to get the pics up ytd, n tdy i hadta check the prices and tag one by one. talk bout nuarness. i'm totally far from it now can?!?!?!?!!? so please. please hor.. anybody who sees this PLEASE check this out and bloody hell buy something la. ANYTHING!!!! it's not complete yet, but i got tired of uploading n tagging liao. besides, i dun have ALL pics yet. most of my stuff are still kept away. safe. hurhurhurrr.
o well. been bitchin loads wif val these days. she say she hates xmas cos ppl all celeb with their gfs/bfs. and she says she hates me n reg cos we dun do nice things wif her on occasions like these. she says she's gonna go thru 4mths of humiliation soon. i feel sad for her. first. xmas. when ppl countdown, n it hits the stroke of midnite, all attached parties will kissie kissie..then she? she gotta go buy ice cream to avoid the 'eh who should i kissie kissie?' situation. then it'll be new year. same thing. ice cream again???? fuck la. if i were u val, i'll just light up my ciggie and say my NY resolution is for this stick to be my last. hahahahahahah! then cny, vday, etc etc etc... eh?? got 4mths meh? how come 4mths ah??? u mean includes all the begging to go out part ah??? poorthing leh u. but i not worried much la. 2008 mahh. u will find ur happiness. SOON!!!!! then u can celeb NY if not xmas tog with ur new beau (BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). heh.
ono..i juz cooked porridge for myself. and it's tasteless. sianz. i've been pukin everything i eat/drink the past 3days, i thought maybe porridge will help. i hope it stays in cos i'm hungry. n i hate to puke. firstly, it smells n tastes really bad. 2ndly, it hurts my throat. 3rdly, my mouth stinks after that even after brushin n rinsing. also.... i get hungry again!!!!!!!!!!!! damn sian. maybe wad ah hock said is true. i shld eat ice cream. then puke out liao, juz freeze it. then hungry agn? eat the frozen puked icecream.. then puke agn?? refreeze it!!! reuse n recycle! save marnee!!!! doesn't it go the same for my porridge? all i hafta do is microwave it hot agn, then can eat liao. or if mai hiam, juz eat the puke. warm warm lor...no need too hot. lagi better. save on elec, no need freeze, no need heat up! omfg. am sick or wad?!?!?!?!? yalar. i got gastric flu wad. arbo why keep puking leh. piangz.
aiya. sian la. go eat liao. nobody online to disturb. sianzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

memories

i logged into friendster and went thru my pics. i saw myself in 05/06. though i was never really happy then, i feel i was more carefree. as in i did not really have that much to think about, not dat much to worry about, and i never bothered to answer for my actions then. i know for sure that life has turned for the better, but i can't help but wonder what would have happened if i had stuck to my old life back then. the days of nothingness. okay. fine. now oso nothingness. but back then the nothingness led to NOTHING! now nothingness leads to me worrying.
i saw pics of rustie. how i miss you rustie. so much, tho i know noshii wun welcome u back in his life to share my love. i hope u're happy now rus. you were so sweet when u were wif me. i miss you and ur sad eyes. i miss ur low voice. i miss ur coarse fur. i miss running with u rus. miss u miss u miss u! ok. noshii's gonna get jealous if he ever reads dis. but yea... u always understood. u knew how it was to be, that noshii wld have to come first. n u never blamed me. u never blamed me for putting u in second place. u always waited for ur turn. for ur belly rub, for everything. i hope u dun have to wait anymore dear rustie. i wish i cld've taken u wif me as well. but u 'belonged' not to me.

my beloved rustie boy

i saw pics of me partying. how we'd party til morn. how we'd drink ourselves silly, danced ourselves dirty, made each other laugh.

i saw pics of pain, i saw pics of sadness and it hurts even now, thinking of the pain i felt back then. but i'm glad it's past. it's funny how one goes thru such emotions at different stages in life. how one can be hurting herself one day, and totally in love with herself the next. and ironically, the pics uploaded in a mess. randomly, they came out in this sequence. so alike my life. happiness. sadness. in pain. in love (with myself). i look at the happy pics and i noe, behind the smiles, there was sorrow. can u tell? has anything changed? i miss the heck care attitude i had. but life does not permit me to be that way forever. afterall, they always tell me the only thing constant is change. n yes. i believe you now.

random

heard from can n also read bout the 26y/o girl who died juz like dat. some say it's cos she knocked her head weeks b4 that on some glass panel or something, some say it's cos she had some form of stroke. it's so sad that her fb is filled with posts tellin her how much she'll be missed, as seriously, she will nvr get to read em all. her name in fb was yes iamtired. this struck me, as i'm perpetually complainin that i'm tired, and how i wish to slp and never wake up. it can actually come true. 'be careful what you wish for' was my 1st thought. i wonder how she went. was it in nice peaceful sleep? did she feel pain? was she goin home to heaven? did she have scary thoughts juz b4 dat? where did she go? i wonder. sometimes i think the scariest part bout death is not the dying itself, but what it leads us to. for me, will i be able to go Home? will i??? wad if i end up burning in perpetual fire? wad if i end up in purgatory? does dat mean i get to see all i know, but they cannot see me? wad if? i dun even noe if it's a good thing to see wad happens after i'm gone. i dun even wanna think how fast it takes to forget me. prob during the wake many ppl will mourn, feel sad, some happy that i'm gone. but after weeks, months and years, who will ever remember what i've done and what i've said. the insignificance scares me. and it saddens me to a certain extent. even as i live, i wonder how many have actually forgotten my significance in their individual lives. do they all remember me? do my primary school classmates even noe who i am? how bout my 'besties' back in school? frankly. i cannot remember the first 'best friend' i had in p1. i rem her face as a child. her name? i cannot. it is scary. now my loss of memory is scaring me too. i always thought i can remember things well. but seems like alot of episodes in my life, i missed. so. the girl's family must be crushed. she is so young afterall. her bf is sad. he prob nvr knew how easy it was to lose his gf. yes. we never know how easy it is. we norm think the worst wld be our partner finding somebody new. will we learn from this? i doubt. takin ppl for granted seems to be a human trait. nobody will escape that. not me, not you, unless maybe some trained person or something. it is sad. i cannot imagine how near it is. it's like she was a fren of a fren. i cannot imagine losin a fren in this way. this makes me wonder if being alone isn't dat bad a thing. at least u wun feel d pain of loss in anyway, since u dun have anything to start wif. sigh. i dunno. issit a sign to tell us all to show how we feel more than we would? shld we be tellin those we love how much we love them? do we say 'i will miss u if ure gone' more often? should we? well, for all who know me, you have in some way or other brought special moments to my life. i love you in different ways, and not catchin up enough doesn't mean i don't. and from the heart, i will miss u if ure gone. when will i ever learn to say how i feel? when will i ever know it's time? i'll probably forget soon. or i might just be the next one to slp n nvr wake up.

tired

i'm so tired but i can't get any sleep. anyway, val zsw, pls stop sending me the link to the pig's blog. i wanna die everytime i forgetfully click on the link thinkin it's some nice site. do you noe how fuckin scary it is for me to see pics like dat?? do u noe how horrifying that pic of her opening her pressie is??? i will humbeen tonight i tell u. i reali cannot get over the fact that she is 3x me. how can anyone be? and still so haughty!???! she say u lehhhh!!! i can't imagine wad he's thinkin la. seriously. love her so much eventho she's 100kg. yet sideline still cyberfugs n all.. waliew. pls la. wtf he wans. he is oso a LLS. same. i must check out his smile. but i'm so scared to look at the pics!!! =(
aiya. i better not say ppl LLS anymore la. can u believe this blog of mine has been classified by some as MALICIOUS??? like which part of it is malicious?? do i not tell the truth????? ediot. reali. i areadi try so hard to keep lots of facts hidden. i areadi try my best to replace names. why are they so mean to call me malicious??? i've seen worse blogs, more direct bitchin and all. then those are wad?????? eediotic la.
i'm damn tired la. not in a very good mood. a hungry man is an angry man. a tired woman is an angry woman. wtf....

i played with fotos agn. this time no more fotoshop. easypeasy!!!! n chio somemore. haaa. u see his tattoo so bloody chio!!! like me!! waaahahahahahaa!!! thanks to photofunia.com. aahahahaha.

i'm gonna nap in awhile. ltr need to bathe noshii. he puked and his whole face stinks now. sianzzz. so tired liao still must bathe him. and bathing him = cleaning floor 3x b4 dat. arghhh! i'm so gonna die man. i will suffer from fatigue soon. imagine, fatigue eventho i do nothing. useless.

tired laaaaaaa.... smoke 1st.

in my heart only got you dun have him

我的心裡只有你沒有他 i'm friggin stuck wif that song in my head now. arghhh.. i'm hooked on it!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it's damn shieok. it's been on repeat for hours! this one's not so clear but damn shieok. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YncmsbsmCFE omg omg omg...how come ppl can produce such nice songs? i'm like totally jealous. lyrics got meaning nvm. music so nice nvm. singer's voice so power nvm. but i actually dance to it AT HOME lor!!! where got meaning??!?!?!? dance till my fats go away maybe. hmz. dats a good thought. no need go gym liao loooo. 只怪我当时没有把你留下 对着你把心来挖... dis part best ah!!! i watch the cheenapapaya show then i fell in love wif this song one. see? some good can come out from being cheena okayyyy.... at least i found something! shieokadudu!!!!
hehe. i'm so happy now. ok. today. was tellin jie bout the plan to set up shop. she said to go for it! she is supportive!!! so ah jie, capital wanna support mai??? hahahahahahaa! i dunno how much we need tho. still gotta go thru loads of surveying. ah ter and dam, how???? ai mai???? we've been 'plannin' for so long, it's time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ter areadi did some homework he says. hahaha. yay!!! excited. but then he paktor everyday, i told him i give him off this qtr. next yr he gotta put his heart and soul in liao lo. he say steady! omg omg omg! excited!!!
oya, btw check out the new stuff i'm giving up for adoption. ok. adopt liao must pay money. ok. fine. check out the new (my) stuff i'm hoping to find good owners for. for now i only got time to put up those few pics la. when i not so nuar i will put more. cos hor, i think i realli got loads of things here. new new one i nvr use. so hor, since i bo lwee, sell!!! so pls, help la. the 'feed liying' fund is dry leyyyy.. p/s: donations are welcome. o well, not like anyone reads this much.
hungry liao. gonna have dinner alone man. shld i get maccers or should i juz find something to cook. sian la. i think i go call for maccers liao. toodeloooo!! <--spell correctly ornot? 当时没有把你留下 对着你把心来挖.............. noshii!!! wru?? let's go lancing!!!!!!! plus i still had time for fotos!! heh.

everything u ask for...

i'm so friggin tired all of a sudden. i was juz haolianin dat i dun need slp these days. o fug. now i feel a sudden gravitational pull at the shoulders, the ribcage, the neck...errr... everywhere! dat for sure i nvr asked for. i was like so happy n hoppin ard wif noshii juz an hour ago. til i decided to rest my back. then i was like drowning in the dead sea. ttly unable to survive kinda feeling. but still. here i am. afloat. arghh. wad is wrong with me??? i am so fucked up. everything bout me is juz so fucked. i spent the whole day not slpg and searchin for info but i dunno why i'm doin all dis. seriously. am i being an idiot here? sighh.. sometimes i dunno wad to expect. n i cannot ask for everything, cos even if i do, i wun get it all. anyway i was boliao earlier in d day dat i actuali spent time playing wif fotoshop. i'm like huh myself oso. yessss.. was so fascinated with the hues and saturation bit that i kept changin colours of pics, admiring the brilliance then closing the file w/o saving. hahaha if not will have kan zwei pics all same but diff colour lor! siao ah? aiya... i reali damn pekcek la. juz hope wad keli say bout creativity is true lor..maybe this is the start for me then. =P

i'm reali damn fed up la. everytime i try to stay high spirited, something or someone has to come and pull me down. wtf. i dun geddit man. sometimes i wonder if i shld juz stay away from the world. juz go into perpetual hibernation. i wun make ppl upset. i wun get myself upset oso. seems like i owe the world my life or something. fuck it. reali. u wanna attitude then fine. as if i dunno how to. see who backs out first lor. it's ok. afterall i've already looked at the choices, and chances are we aren't gonna be gettin anything. seriously. i think it's God telling me to hold back. all these things happening now. i think they happened for a reason. and ok. maybe wad the fengshui master said is true. i hope she's right bout it tho. i reali dun like all this. it is shortening my already miserable life. SO SHOULD I THANK YOU?????????

just because..

i had a long nite. 28hrs w/o slp. finally got 3h and woke up to a nice surprise. daddy came and bought me lunch. sigh. i dunno how to say this but sometimes i wish they dint treat me so nice. i feel goddamn useless. it's like they still have to worry bout me at this age. wtf am i doing? could tell he purposely came here cos they noe i've not had food. he asked if i'm short of cash. i'm so sad. how can i expect them to feed me at this age? shouldn't d duties be reversed? sigh.

well, just because i'm not w**king,

• my fam worries bout my future
• my fam worries bout me not having enuf to spend
• my fam worries bout me not eating properly
• my daddy has to come brg me food
• my mommy asks me out for dinner more than usual
• my sis asks me to go home to eat more often
• i have absolutely no faith in myself that i can do anything constructive
• i am ttly slippin back into the godforsaken hole
• i hate being told i have to do things cos it only makes me feel worse

yes. i noe. i am looking alrite? things juz dun look as pretty as they used to. how'd i know lehman wld collapse? how'd i noe it'd get so bad? but seriously, things are like crap rite now.

apart from just because, i felt a cutting feel when i heard the words 'had doubts'. seriously. thruout all dis time i nvr doubted. i juz tantrumed. but when i heard it, the pain kinda dulled into numb realisation that maybe doubts should be present. i started thinkin why things happened the way they did, and i realised cos of the times '..had doubts'. and so my mind, being active despite the lack of slp, started scanning thru almost everything and yea...doubts started to creep in. maybe, juz maybe, the doubts are ard for a reason. is it too late? we won;t know til next mth. maybe things will juz work themselves out. with or without doubts.

i'm so tired. i feel the energy totally waning off. physical and mental AND emotional. sometimes i wonder if in the past all the crying i did helped to keep me going. it's been a long time since i reali cried. maybe dats why. my mind's a ttl mess now. so many things runnin thru it. so many, in absolutely no sequence wadsoever. i can't understand my own thoughts. i nvr cld, and i still dun. i can't listen to myself. too much fuzz. can i juz die. oh. i forgot to mention that i took some psycho tests online cos misscan said it was for fun + slight gauge. yea. i did the ADD test, the depression test. and both times my scores were high. well, for the ADD test i got 84. so apparently i got severe ADD. for the depression test i had 74. anything above 54 was classified as SEVERE depression. and at the bottom they reccomended seeking help. hah. like we dint noe. girl, interrupted. dats who i am. i can get well. so wish me luck.

very very tired. feel weak even as i type. the keys on the keyboard seem harder to depress than norm. o well. i'm gonna lie down n hope to slp. will i wake up? i'm sure i will tho many times i prefer not to.

MADNESS

it's really madness how me and val can bitch nonstop for hours..even after like not chatting for so long! first bitch n bitch n bitch on msn..then she ask me call her, con't bitchin til her hp lo batt. win liao. then con't on msn til 5! omfg! wad were we doing??????????
we were

1. 
   bitchin bout some ppl
2. 
   lookin for jobs online/over the fone
3. 
   thinkin if since got so many jobs no need scared will die
4. 
   tryin to see if some ppl were famous (dat some ppl included us)
5. 
   discussing if it was worth it to have loads of money but no life/no integrity
6. 
   (this is the bulk of the conver) PLANNING HOW TO FUCKIN KENG HER HOSPITAL MC!!!!!

wa piang... she is like me sia..when dun feel like doin something, will fuckin burn her brain to think of something to cover up. omg. how? dun feel like goin to work tmr.. somemore now so late liao. so i'm gonna see a doc tmr to get mc, but then i areadi mc the past 2 days. nvm, i tell them i hospitalised. so tmr i gotta go hospital get mc. but aiyaa..so ex lehhh...abit waste money..maybe they will not ask for it. but then wad if they ask. so i gotta go take mc..then shld i take from doc n teh gong bout the hosp? but wad if they sack me? then how? i resign. then must serve one month leh. but wad if they dun wan me to serve? then they pay me compensation. but sekali they dun wan pay. then i ngeh ngeh say i wanna serve.then i will die. cos they will make me do shit. then i take mc dat mth. but if lidat then they will sack me. so how? shld i go hosp tmr anot? aiyaaa...since they are gonna sack me anyway, shan't waste my money... but then wad if.... and the wad if came true. so yea.. wadever we spoke about? wasted!!!! fuckin hell.
anyway, i am damn fucked la. i haven't slept more than 10hours in the past 3 days! can i juz die. mommy keeps askin why i'm always sleeping..it's cos when i'm awake, nobody calls, and nobody noes...and then I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME cos i cannot sleep! and i fall aslp for like 2 hours, many many smses, many many missed calls. liao.
and best...i haven't had proper food for 2 days liao. i have survived on milo peng, jackfruit chips, kickapoo, potato chips, and juz 2hrs ago, campbell mushroom soup. win right? bo pian. when i hungry, ppl slping. i put on msn header 'hungry. anyone for supper?' til now bo reply. sigh.
it's 420 liao. i am so awake!!! i can go downstairs eat beehoon in 1.5 hours!!! yay!!!! the bloody mkts are too exciting la..how can i sleep????? seriously. u see?

djia is at 8579pts. down 7.33% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaahahahahahahaa. LIAO. who strike aud/usd at 0.70+, 0.80+ think they got a good deal??/ waaaaaaaaahahahahahaaa!!!! think agn laaaa. it ain't so easy nowadays. o well, not like i'm affected. i'm juz kaypoh. n nothin better to do.

i'm gonna wash noshii's pillow. kan si lang cao!

endless love

yea. and it's yet another day i'm up in the mornin. not cos i woke early, more so i've not slept in the past 10 over hours. this really sucks. i really hate how life has become. i hate how we have to be responsible bout the shites we deal wif in life.. i hate being the cause of such unhappiness, and more so, i hate having to be the receiver of all dis unhappiness dat i've created.

wad is endless love? love is endless when u love yourself. dat i've realised. it is probably the only totally unconditional love dat is attainable in my dictionary, maybe in many others' as well. so dun bother bout the 'will..you...forever..' it's juz crap. it's juz i'll love me always and forever.

been rather edgy the past days. sometimes i reali wonder if there'll ever be a chance of me sleepin n not waking up ever. since i love to slp so much, why not juz slp on. make things easier for myself, and maybe even for others. sigh. maybe d day i sleep and never wake up will be the day i realise i dun wanna slp anymore. by then it'll only be too late won't it?

men and the li(k)es

check out their smiles...SAME!!!!!

it's reali gross. gross that i've to hear once again, about the ending of one's rship involving 3 separate entities. how and why do men manage to be so stupid to wanna cheat yet allow themselves to get caught??? seriously. i mean, mr L has always had a history of doin that. not that i noe him personally, but wad i've heard dat he's done the past yrs, i think anyone would have guessed this time round things wun be much different. but something changed this time. he allowed himself and his friend to be seen. sadly, deep down inside, my dear missC, we all told u so. u say there's something wrong with you and that u hafta change how u fail to wanna commit everytime each of them asks u to. i beg to differ. i wld nvr want u to even think that not being able to commit to a complete ass is wrong. do u think that after u say 'i do', what goes on in his head will change? well, NO. he can use it as an excuse rite now, but if the status had been different, he'd prolly come up wif another. so girl, clear ur head and see how much right u've done, playing it smart and not wanting to have anything concrete with lowlife scum.
it was the same for mr M wif his alien. it's juz dat u have been meeting the wrongest ppl and somehow attracted to scum. (aren't we all?) i juz hope dat one day u'll realise what u're really looking for is out there. or rather, i hope u can one day tell me you know what you want. be it in a guy or wadever.
it all flashed back to the time when we were in opp roles. how u were the one tellin me it's all so not worth it. i'm sure u're as strong, if not stronger than i am, to realise that earlier. well, i dun deny being the psycho bitch that u were the past week or so. i was worse maybe. but look at how things turned out. i mean, ya lar..not like my life damn fabulous now, but hey!!! the not worth it part u said was and IS still so true!!!! i'm sure we will one day look back and laugh at how stupid we've been before. and this episode will definitely not be forgotten.
smile and make merry soon. go get ur hair done. be ur happy self agn.

the beginning of the end

alright. since i can't fall myself asleep, i decided that this would be it. the beginning of the end. the end of my unproductive nuarness. seriously, how many ppl and how many bloody times have people told me how nuar i am, it's like in my blood, i'm the queen of nuarness, etc... well, i am nuar what!!! juz dat okay, i admit. i've been nuaring unproductively the past couple of decades. so yea, i've decided. i'm gonna nuar and make good use of my nuar time.
i mean like i can nuar and reali rest my bod/brain completely instead of nuaring n still feelin tired rite? yes. i can. and i will.
so will dis blog help? heh. i seriously dunno. after so many failed attempts of updatin several blogs, this one, i hope will have a longer life online. i'm nuar mahhh.. used to nuar unproductively, so nothing gets done wad!
sigh. nobody seems to understand how tired a person like me can get. i dunno if anyone out there has/is/will feel this way. it's like getting so tired even doing nothing day after day after day. 16hours of slp and still, TIRED!!! they tell me it's cos i sleep too much.but if i don't, i'm tired as well! so how lidat? try to break the unhealthy slp cycle lor. but then break areadi, got public holiday, so again, cycle spoil. sian.
eh wait. i am not contradicting myself here. it doesn't mean this blog is gonna die out n i'm gonna go back to my unproductive nuaring ok.. it MAY die out, i MAY still be lazy, but i'm seriously gonna start being productive la. the beginning of the end mahhh.
so no matter wad, something positive is gonna happen this moment. it's a blardy start that im sitting here moving my fingers now.

okok..so what have i gotta say now? dunno man. my brain's pretty dead. been dead since dunno when. it's funny how one kinda evolves into a bimbo. like how come last time not so bimbotic, but now brain so useless ley? then the neh oso nvr grow bigger. sian. brain n boobs aren't inversely proportionate. dat's for sure. i'm sure many of us have actuali met quite dumb ppl who dun have much neh rite?
o well.

the weekend's coming. so happy man! (dun i juz sound airheaded?) today was a public hol, 2 more working days and yessss...weekend!!!!
i've already wasted countless weekends, i seriously dunno why i'm so excited bout this comin one. maybe cos i'm still on the productiveness bit.
sian la... weekend no weekend oso same. zo bo whole day everyday. i can't believe it lor. i mean like okay, sunday nite i dint slp. monday i dint slp. as in like whole monday morn and afternoon nvr slp. monday nite oso. tues morn like 2am i slept til tues 2pm.. then like still fuckin tired. so nuar aimlessly. waited for aircon leak to be fixed then whole day gone liao! then nvm...it's like eve of p hol rite? but oso nvr do anything productive. ok la. got la...went to help take out blu tack from ceiling and move some stuff ard, took some fotos....watched like dunno how many fuckin episodes of the chinacar show...then ohh..koon liao. then wake up it's like p hol gone liao! sian. then now still hvn't koon. like wtf lor. ttly upside down, my slp cycle. and who can i blame? me lor! everyone oso say it's i kaki make til lidat one.. reali meh????

arghh i'm damn sian la. like my fav line goes..... I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wad to do sia?? it's scary how ppl are already waking up to get ready for the day, and here i am still not ending the previous day.. how how how??? panic lehhhh.. i reali ganzheong, but i oso dunno for wad. i like got ttly nothing to do later oso. but i wanna be productive lehhh how how how???? somemore juz now i was like running thru my head wad i can do for the day..thought i'd go look for my baby candy, ask her pei me sit at coffee place n catch up, or even go get my back fixed, or cook soup or wadever la.. now i got a feelin i'm juz gonna koon ltr lor!
talkin bout the back gettin fixed, it's long overdue la. my back has been giving me probs for so long liao (ppl say it's cos i slp too much) but it's reali gettin worse. the sedish massage no longer works. so i;m down to juz tui na-ing. i hope dat will con't to help for long enuf. else i DIE i tell u. nothing else helps liao. not even accupuncture. arghhhh. juz kill me lar. piangz.
7am liao lehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...sigh.

wanna put up pics oso dunno why cannot. sianz. isit i reali dat stupid now? or juz sway as usual?
walau. i feel like goin to buy bee hoon now. eventho i'm like ttly not hungry. wth am i thinkin? shldn't i be thinkin of slpg or if i'm gonna keep awake, i shld like jog, gym or swim??? wapiang. tired la...
need to ask ppl how come always got error wif the pics man. boring.
next time perhaps. now i'm juz gonna nuar UNproductively til 10am. then be productive liao.