memories

i logged into friendster and went thru my pics. i saw myself in 05/06. though i was never really happy then, i feel i was more carefree. as in i did not really have that much to think about, not dat much to worry about, and i never bothered to answer for my actions then. i know for sure that life has turned for the better, but i can't help but wonder what would have happened if i had stuck to my old life back then. the days of nothingness. okay. fine. now oso nothingness. but back then the nothingness led to NOTHING! now nothingness leads to me worrying.
i saw pics of rustie. how i miss you rustie. so much, tho i know noshii wun welcome u back in his life to share my love. i hope u're happy now rus. you were so sweet when u were wif me. i miss you and ur sad eyes. i miss ur low voice. i miss ur coarse fur. i miss running with u rus. miss u miss u miss u! ok. noshii's gonna get jealous if he ever reads dis. but yea... u always understood. u knew how it was to be, that noshii wld have to come first. n u never blamed me. u never blamed me for putting u in second place. u always waited for ur turn. for ur belly rub, for everything. i hope u dun have to wait anymore dear rustie. i wish i cld've taken u wif me as well. but u 'belonged' not to me.

my beloved rustie boy

i saw pics of me partying. how we'd party til morn. how we'd drink ourselves silly, danced ourselves dirty, made each other laugh.

i saw pics of pain, i saw pics of sadness and it hurts even now, thinking of the pain i felt back then. but i'm glad it's past. it's funny how one goes thru such emotions at different stages in life. how one can be hurting herself one day, and totally in love with herself the next. and ironically, the pics uploaded in a mess. randomly, they came out in this sequence. so alike my life. happiness. sadness. in pain. in love (with myself). i look at the happy pics and i noe, behind the smiles, there was sorrow. can u tell? has anything changed? i miss the heck care attitude i had. but life does not permit me to be that way forever. afterall, they always tell me the only thing constant is change. n yes. i believe you now.