just because..

i had a long nite. 28hrs w/o slp. finally got 3h and woke up to a nice surprise. daddy came and bought me lunch. sigh. i dunno how to say this but sometimes i wish they dint treat me so nice. i feel goddamn useless. it's like they still have to worry bout me at this age. wtf am i doing? could tell he purposely came here cos they noe i've not had food. he asked if i'm short of cash. i'm so sad. how can i expect them to feed me at this age? shouldn't d duties be reversed? sigh.

well, just because i'm not w**king,

• my fam worries bout my future
• my fam worries bout me not having enuf to spend
• my fam worries bout me not eating properly
• my daddy has to come brg me food
• my mommy asks me out for dinner more than usual
• my sis asks me to go home to eat more often
• i have absolutely no faith in myself that i can do anything constructive
• i am ttly slippin back into the godforsaken hole
• i hate being told i have to do things cos it only makes me feel worse

yes. i noe. i am looking alrite? things juz dun look as pretty as they used to. how'd i know lehman wld collapse? how'd i noe it'd get so bad? but seriously, things are like crap rite now.

apart from just because, i felt a cutting feel when i heard the words 'had doubts'. seriously. thruout all dis time i nvr doubted. i juz tantrumed. but when i heard it, the pain kinda dulled into numb realisation that maybe doubts should be present. i started thinkin why things happened the way they did, and i realised cos of the times '..had doubts'. and so my mind, being active despite the lack of slp, started scanning thru almost everything and yea...doubts started to creep in. maybe, juz maybe, the doubts are ard for a reason. is it too late? we won;t know til next mth. maybe things will juz work themselves out. with or without doubts.

i'm so tired. i feel the energy totally waning off. physical and mental AND emotional. sometimes i wonder if in the past all the crying i did helped to keep me going. it's been a long time since i reali cried. maybe dats why. my mind's a ttl mess now. so many things runnin thru it. so many, in absolutely no sequence wadsoever. i can't understand my own thoughts. i nvr cld, and i still dun. i can't listen to myself. too much fuzz. can i juz die. oh. i forgot to mention that i took some psycho tests online cos misscan said it was for fun + slight gauge. yea. i did the ADD test, the depression test. and both times my scores were high. well, for the ADD test i got 84. so apparently i got severe ADD. for the depression test i had 74. anything above 54 was classified as SEVERE depression. and at the bottom they reccomended seeking help. hah. like we dint noe. girl, interrupted. dats who i am. i can get well. so wish me luck.

very very tired. feel weak even as i type. the keys on the keyboard seem harder to depress than norm. o well. i'm gonna lie down n hope to slp. will i wake up? i'm sure i will tho many times i prefer not to.