one walks faster than the other

it's funny how like in d previous post things turn out to spiral. i found my life spiralling, and now my thoughts as well. so many things have happened the previous week or so. so many words were said, so many actions done, so many feelings felt, so many thoughts flashed thru my head, and at the end of it all, NOTHING. i dunno what's to come. first i was sad. saddened so badly by the word. then i got angry. how could things change so fast? then i got worried. have things already changed and there's nothing i can do bout it? then i got confused. wad do i hafta do? what issit u want from me? then i got sure. sure that i couldn't accept it. then now? i'm unsure. it went from u, went into a HUGE spiral, or rather circle, and came back to me. i noe it wun end with me, cos like i said, circles do not end. so wad is it now? things aren't the same. i am not the same anymore. at least i don't feel the same. i feel things have already changed. maybe i have too. i think bout the weirdest things. like wad fengshui means in my life. i think bout my life, my future, my family. and somehow, it's become mine. no longer ours. i've lost the vision of happily ever after. i've lost the thought of there's such a thing as true love. i've lost the feeling of wanting to work for it. i dunno wad to say. i dunno wad to feel. seems like i was wrong. i was the one getting comfy, not you. i was the one who wanted this to con't cos it was too much of a hassle to start something new. the hassle of getting to know somebody new, the hassle of dating and understanding each other, the hassle of having to find differences and feeling unsure again. i was the one who wanted the 'love' to never die so dat i could juz live it the way i thought i was most comfortable. i realise i don't give my all anymore. maybe i nvr have, but now i see it clear. i don't enjoy putting up with the differences. i don't enjoy trying to make u happy when i'm not. i don't enjoy trying to make conversations longer than they last when i've got almost nothing more to say. i don't enjoy losing my quiet time. i don't enjoy sharing my private space. i don't enjoy wondering how your frz/family wanna think. i don't think the differences will ever be worked out. i still love my smokes and i still want my smokes eventho you'd shun from the smell. i still want my 4-7mins of smoke time when i wake, after meals, when i'm upset, when i'm thinkin bout stuff, when i wanna be alone, when i'm in the toilet, b4 i brush my teeth, when i'm on the fone, anytime. i dun enjoy the aftersmokes anymore. i dun enjoy you turning the aircon up when i get in the car. i dun enjoy leaving restaurants b4 u juz to get my smoke. i dun enjoy you walkin away the moment i light up. no. i dun believe in sharing every fuckin moment, but i guess it was nice from the time that thought came out from ur mouth til it lasted. maybe both have changed. maybe we both see d differences. and we prob see different differences even. but no. seems like the happiness has faded. less chatter, less laughter, less smiles. do we really want this? i can't bring myself to accept life the way it is. i don't wanna live the rest of my life in such misery. maybe i'm just not strong enough. i cannot be the one holding your hand, pulling you up all the time. no. i cannot. i need someone who can pull me up! i really find it almost tragic that both of us need ppl to pull us up and we're both pulling each other down everyday. how much longer can this go on? what is the purpose of it all? i dunno how to put it to u. i do not want you to think i am forsaking you, cos i am not. i juz feel our 'working things out' isn't happening. it seems ridiculous that i am gettin supposed 'help' from doctors, and here i am supposedly trying to help you. how can this be??? i am just not strong enough a person to do that! and no, i am not afraid to admit it. i gather things will be the same for the next few weeks, maybe months, dreadfully, years! i just need to live the life i want. you do not hafta change. cos anyways, the differences are all actually about me not doing/doing what you like/dislike. you wanna shop, nobody's stopping you. but pls, dun make me shop n we end up in a bicker. i really cannot accept how you'd wanna splurge on something when you know the pocket doesn't allow that all d time. you say u want pretty things, that it's just how you are, but i really do not think it should be this way all the time. i need somebody who understands the value of money much more than beauty. i cannot understand why beauty and pride comes before survival. does it make sense to me? NO. i was really bloody pissed dat day, i noe u were wondering why, cos 'it's just you'. i hadta walk away, else we'd have fought. again. i'm really very tired from all the fighting. i'm oso not exactly happy bout having to contain the resentment. i guess u can con't to be what and who you are. the way you are. i am in no position to stop u. nvr was. n never will be. i just hope it goes the same for me. that i dun hafta change the way i am. n i'll nvr have to. we just hafta be fair dun we? if either party feels the need to explode, so be it. if you choose to find another avenue, just let me know early. i just want us to be happy, whether or not we end up together.