life in general

never did i think i'd feel so lost again. never did i want life to be such a mess. yes, once again. to think i thought, everybody thought. guess we all thought and think wrong. my brain's so tired. my heart's so tired too. i'm sorry, everybody. for makin your life miserable cos of my existence. dunno what to say. dead horse seems so apt. 'sick of this life, not that you'd care...i'm not the only one, with whom these feelings i share.. nobody understands quite why we're here. we're searchin for answers that never appear...' well, bits of it at least. it never was meant to be...for me to understand. and the answers seem impossible to find. what answers are we lookin for anyways? everyone needs their own answers. and sometimes, we all know the answers, just that we refuse to face them. am i making sense at all? i wish i had the guts to say how i really feel. i wish i had the strength to follow what my hearts wants. i wish i knew what i want. i wish i wish i wish. perhaps mommy is rite. i have not grown up. maybe i never will. cos i dun wanna. sorry seems to be the hardest word. it is. maybe i say it all too many times. but when it's time to say it, when it's time to face someone to say it out. i cannot. the guilt i live with. i know with the choices i make, whatever the outcome, be it good or bad, i have to take it in my stride. live with it. if things dun work out good, then i juz hafta face it. but why am i so unwilling to have it turn out bad? why? being guarded, being o so fuckin guarded makes things so difficult to work. it makes my heart heavy. it makes everybody ard me live with questions. and somehow i think it might juz make things turn out bad. if i didn't have this fuckin wall, things may juz be good. but now... the wall makes it so difficult to move on with the journey. time will tell? maybe. maybe not. i'm so tired. i believe it's takin its toil on me. i hate the fever. i hate the blocked nose. i hate the coughin. but sometimes such discomfort may be better than others. sigh. when will i ever learn? oh help me God.