i'm so friggin tired all of a sudden. i was juz haolianin dat i dun need slp these days. o fug. now i feel a sudden gravitational pull at the shoulders, the ribcage, the neck...errr... everywhere! dat for sure i nvr asked for. i was like so happy n hoppin ard wif noshii juz an hour ago. til i decided to rest my back. then i was like drowning in the dead sea. ttly unable to survive kinda feeling. but still. here i am. afloat. arghh. wad is wrong with me??? i am so fucked up. everything bout me is juz so fucked. i spent the whole day not slpg and searchin for info but i dunno why i'm doin all dis. seriously. am i being an idiot here? sighh.. sometimes i dunno wad to expect. n i cannot ask for everything, cos even if i do, i wun get it all. anyway i was boliao earlier in d day dat i actuali spent time playing wif fotoshop. i'm like huh myself oso. yessss.. was so fascinated with the hues and saturation bit that i kept changin colours of pics, admiring the brilliance then closing the file w/o saving. hahaha if not will have kan zwei pics all same but diff colour lor! siao ah? aiya... i reali damn pekcek la. juz hope wad keli say bout creativity is true lor..maybe this is the start for me then. =P
i'm reali damn fed up la. everytime i try to stay high spirited, something or someone has to come and pull me down. wtf. i dun geddit man. sometimes i wonder if i shld juz stay away from the world. juz go into perpetual hibernation. i wun make ppl upset. i wun get myself upset oso. seems like i owe the world my life or something. fuck it. reali. u wanna attitude then fine. as if i dunno how to. see who backs out first lor. it's ok. afterall i've already looked at the choices, and chances are we aren't gonna be gettin anything. seriously. i think it's God telling me to hold back. all these things happening now. i think they happened for a reason. and ok. maybe wad the fengshui master said is true. i hope she's right bout it tho. i reali dun like all this. it is shortening my already miserable life. SO SHOULD I THANK YOU?????????
always living in the past, infamous for my laziness, my depression cycles, my frail body frame, and my ever so tiring entanglements with men. someone who has no direction whatsoever in life, always waiting for things to happen to avoid having to make wrong choices in life. noisy most of the time, silenced only when wrong or unsure. bored easily. trying to get myself to think out of the box, also looking for a chance to get out of this stupid box(?). neither do i see that supposedly thick and high wall!) really happy now, like NOW, and maybe for the next few hours. maybe forever, maybe not. will be fat at forty (maybe that's why i won't be happy anymore?) urgh. think i make a pretty good aunt agony person tho. i've probably heard enough preachings on how i have to get on with life, i bet i can compile everything, even filter out the useless bits, and produce the best feel-good speech anyone can ever imagine. if that doesn't work, my (past) sob stories can make anyone feel like they'll always have me to compare with and feel SUPERB about themselves. if THAT doesn't work, then i can conduct classes on how to pretend to be happy, or even how to whine and feel better about oneself.
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